Sorry for not posting recently. I've been relatively depressed, although not at my lowest point. Near it though. I haven't been following any diet plan or keeping track of my meals, and I'm afraid of what the scale will say when I finally get the courage to step back onto it again.
My mother brought up the possibility of my having bariatric surgery- Lap-band, to be specific. But... I don't know. I'll admit that I have thought about it before, and our health insurance covers the procedure. Yet it somehow feels like cheating. I've been overweight and obese for what seems like my entire life, and I've been dieting since I was 11. I associate food with rewards, with comfort, with safety and acceptance. A doughnut isn't going to reject me, even if I say/do something wrong, look bad, etc. And food is one of coping methods, which I know is fairly common. So much so that I'm addicted to it. I have to be, to hate myself as I continue to stuff my mouth full, unable to stop 'til the box is empty, the crumbs gone. And I hate myself when I do that, I really do. But apparently compulsive overeating is better than my other coping mechanism, which is self-injury. Other than these self-destructive habits, I don't deal with stress. And I have a lot of stress. Just leaving my apartment stresses me out. I have an unofficial diagnosis of depression, Social Anxiety Disorder, and very mild agoraphobia, in addition to Gender Identity Disorder and Gender Dysphoria. I haven't talked about these things before because I wanted this blog to focus on weight loss, not my personal life. But it seems like I cannot separate them from one another.
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Showing posts with label family. Show all posts
Showing posts with label family. Show all posts
05 February 2008
18 January 2008
Sorry about the lack of post lately. It's been really stressful for me. Suffice it to say that there were cash flow problems and that, for a little while at least, it looked like I would have to withdraw from school due to lack of funds. But that's all been settled now, and yes, I am still attending college. (My major is anthropology, with a history minor, if you were interested.)
I weighed in this morning at 282.5 lbs, a loss of 6 lbs total in almost 2 weeks. And that was with my being stressed out and not eating as well as I should. And also little to no exercise. But I've started walking home from class 3 days a week, and it's about a 30 minute walk each time. I'm also TRYING to play Dance Dance Revolution on the days that I don't walk, but something is wrong with my disc, and it looks like I need a new one. So, in lieu of DDR, I've decided to actually use the total gym that I have. The thing is at least 5 years old, barely used, and that's a bit sad. So I'm doing my best to rectify that. I have class in 10 minutes, so I'll have to cut this blog short.
Thanks for your suport!
I weighed in this morning at 282.5 lbs, a loss of 6 lbs total in almost 2 weeks. And that was with my being stressed out and not eating as well as I should. And also little to no exercise. But I've started walking home from class 3 days a week, and it's about a 30 minute walk each time. I'm also TRYING to play Dance Dance Revolution on the days that I don't walk, but something is wrong with my disc, and it looks like I need a new one. So, in lieu of DDR, I've decided to actually use the total gym that I have. The thing is at least 5 years old, barely used, and that's a bit sad. So I'm doing my best to rectify that. I have class in 10 minutes, so I'll have to cut this blog short.
Thanks for your suport!
06 January 2008
Back
...oops...
I didn't mean to abandon the blog for 3 weeks, it just sort of happened. I visited my parents for the holiday season, and have only just returned home late last night. The holiday damage was considerable, but not as bad as it could've been. Just goes to show me what happens when I eat with abandon and get no exercise what so ever.
Current weight: 288.5 lbs
I still plan on making it to 250 lbs or lower by March 18, and I know I can.
But gaining so much is not good for the depression. I'll drop it all though, and then some. Eventually I want to get down to 180 lbs. I don't care how long it takes.
I've decided to start keeping a food journal, in which I keep track of calories, protein, and fiber, but also my mood before and after eating, time, locations, and my hunger level. I think it will help me out.
I didn't mean to abandon the blog for 3 weeks, it just sort of happened. I visited my parents for the holiday season, and have only just returned home late last night. The holiday damage was considerable, but not as bad as it could've been. Just goes to show me what happens when I eat with abandon and get no exercise what so ever.
Current weight: 288.5 lbs
I still plan on making it to 250 lbs or lower by March 18, and I know I can.
But gaining so much is not good for the depression. I'll drop it all though, and then some. Eventually I want to get down to 180 lbs. I don't care how long it takes.
I've decided to start keeping a food journal, in which I keep track of calories, protein, and fiber, but also my mood before and after eating, time, locations, and my hunger level. I think it will help me out.
17 November 2007
My scale keeps saying 285.
Since it's never lied to me before, I guess I'll just have to accept the fact that I weigh 285 lbs now. I don't really want to acknowledge it, but ignoring it will only hurt me in the end.
I can believe that I weigh 285. My frame was not built to carry quite so much weight and lately the joints in my legs have been aching whenever I walk for more than 5 minutes at a time. I feel like an old man. I'm 19 for chrissakes! Supposedly in the prime of life (at least that's what my uncle tells me) and my father could easily put me to shame. The man doesn't watch his diet, eats whatever he likes, but he never goes overboard like I do, and he's active. I don't know why I don't have his drive for fitness, unless it's the fact that he did a stint in the Marines and I haven't - and never will. I got my voice and my artistic talent from him, but no love of fitness. The only sports I like are tennis (too unfit), kayaking (too cold now), swimming (too cold again, and I won't swim in front of other people), and hiking.... I can't come up with any excuses for not hiking. So perhaps I should start doing that every weekend instead of sitting on my bum in front of my laptop or TV. I think I will, there are a few places nearby that I can hike at.
I also need to start watching my diet again. I'll do well for a day or so, then BAM!!! Off the rails and eating myself sick, which I always ALWAYS regret. I'm going to stop drinking so much soda, and try to eat more vegetables and fruit.
On the exercise front, my TotalGym is buried underneath some boxes of winter clothing that I hauled out of storage and haven't put away yet. I should remedy that...
Since it's never lied to me before, I guess I'll just have to accept the fact that I weigh 285 lbs now. I don't really want to acknowledge it, but ignoring it will only hurt me in the end.
I can believe that I weigh 285. My frame was not built to carry quite so much weight and lately the joints in my legs have been aching whenever I walk for more than 5 minutes at a time. I feel like an old man. I'm 19 for chrissakes! Supposedly in the prime of life (at least that's what my uncle tells me) and my father could easily put me to shame. The man doesn't watch his diet, eats whatever he likes, but he never goes overboard like I do, and he's active. I don't know why I don't have his drive for fitness, unless it's the fact that he did a stint in the Marines and I haven't - and never will. I got my voice and my artistic talent from him, but no love of fitness. The only sports I like are tennis (too unfit), kayaking (too cold now), swimming (too cold again, and I won't swim in front of other people), and hiking.... I can't come up with any excuses for not hiking. So perhaps I should start doing that every weekend instead of sitting on my bum in front of my laptop or TV. I think I will, there are a few places nearby that I can hike at.
I also need to start watching my diet again. I'll do well for a day or so, then BAM!!! Off the rails and eating myself sick, which I always ALWAYS regret. I'm going to stop drinking so much soda, and try to eat more vegetables and fruit.
On the exercise front, my TotalGym is buried underneath some boxes of winter clothing that I hauled out of storage and haven't put away yet. I should remedy that...
04 September 2007
Sabotage
I was going to respond to sayre in the comments, but decided it'd make a better blog. So here we go.
I'm in college and not doing as well as I should. I have some psychological issues that I am working on, alongside the physical. My mother and I don't see eye to eye on my performance in college, and well....we just argue a lot about it. Because although I do have the capability to be a straight A student, I lack the motivation and drive to do so. So we argue.
As for why I reach for food as a coping mechanism: simple habit. Also, it beats conventional self-harming, although if I'd continued to eat the way I used to I'd eventually end up harming myself much more than I do when I self-harm in other ways. I know that people don't think of self-harm as normal, so I'm trying to stop that as well.
I really only wanted this blog to be about my weight loss, but it seems that I'll have to drag at least some of my psychological issues onto it as well.
(Sorry for not blogging over the weekend. I visited my family and had limited internet access. And I didn't do a very good job of eating healthily. We'll see how much damage I did in the morning, when I weigh myself. I expect despair, desperation, and determination. Stay tuned.)
I'm in college and not doing as well as I should. I have some psychological issues that I am working on, alongside the physical. My mother and I don't see eye to eye on my performance in college, and well....we just argue a lot about it. Because although I do have the capability to be a straight A student, I lack the motivation and drive to do so. So we argue.
As for why I reach for food as a coping mechanism: simple habit. Also, it beats conventional self-harming, although if I'd continued to eat the way I used to I'd eventually end up harming myself much more than I do when I self-harm in other ways. I know that people don't think of self-harm as normal, so I'm trying to stop that as well.
I really only wanted this blog to be about my weight loss, but it seems that I'll have to drag at least some of my psychological issues onto it as well.
(Sorry for not blogging over the weekend. I visited my family and had limited internet access. And I didn't do a very good job of eating healthily. We'll see how much damage I did in the morning, when I weigh myself. I expect despair, desperation, and determination. Stay tuned.)
29 August 2007
Sweet Treats
My mother likes to send me home with food. Only it isn't homecooking (Mom doesn't cook much, dad's the chef). This weekend I came home with an assortment of Cheetos and Doritos, plus a candy bar. This is on top of a multi-pack of cookies (Nutter Butters, Oreos, and Chips Ahoy!) that my Aunt Bobbie sent home with me last weekend. Neither of them know that I'm trying to lose weight, so I can't say that they're trying to sabotauge me. And they aren't, either. I haven't even wanted any of the cookies. I've glanced at them, thought about it, then gotten something else. I haven't been wanting terribly sweet things.
That being said, I broke out the candy bar from it's hiding place (the fridge). I had one bite, then another. I savoured it. And then? I wrapped it up and put it back, because I was satisfied. I didn't want anymore. A mere 3 weeks ago I would've scarfed it down in less than a minute, then chased it with something else. Mindlessly eating. So that's an accomplishment that I hadn't even thought of yet.
That being said, I broke out the candy bar from it's hiding place (the fridge). I had one bite, then another. I savoured it. And then? I wrapped it up and put it back, because I was satisfied. I didn't want anymore. A mere 3 weeks ago I would've scarfed it down in less than a minute, then chased it with something else. Mindlessly eating. So that's an accomplishment that I hadn't even thought of yet.
27 August 2007
Updates
I'm sick. I've had a head cold since Friday. I've also been out of town visting relatives all weekend. I'll blog about how love = food later.
About eating less than 1000 kcal - I'm not starving myself or anything like that. I don't plan on not eating. Sometimes it just happens. I just try to write down everything I eat on a given day. I don't seperate it by meals or anything. So if I eat the same thing for lunch and dinner it will only be listed once. I know I'm rambling now.
I've been doing some digging on the internet today (in between blowing my nose and dosing myself with medicine). And now I have more of an idea of what I need to be eating. I grew up with Southern (Deep South, USA) cooking as a standard, which isn't the healthiest diet out there. So I'm branching out on my own here, trying to eat healthy and lose weight. And if what I'm doing is working, I'll try my best to get my dad to cook the way that I do. While both of my parents are at a healthy weight (my dad still does his exercises every morning and has the body of a man 20 years younger) neither my sister or I am. I know that I am morbidly obese (BMI = 42), and I am certain that my younger sister is obese type 2. She lost 20 lbs recently, but that was from illness, which is not the way you should lose weight.
During my adventures on the internet today, I happened across Wikipedia, as I usually do. After following a few articles around, I calculated my Basal Metabolic Rate (BMR) and determined it to be 1816. That is the amount of calories I need to maintain my weight, if I were completely inactive. The safest diet restriction is 75% of your BMR, in my case that is 1362. So I will be eating at least 1362 calories a day.
I got a scale over the weekend, and was confronted with the sad and slightly shocking fact that I weigh 276 lbs - 11 more than I thought. I knew I'd been yo-yoing from 255-275 in the past year, but I'd thought I was in the middle at this point, instead of on the high end. I'm approaching my heighest weight ever, a fact that scares the living daylights out of me. So having the scale there to motivate me is really going to work.
About eating less than 1000 kcal - I'm not starving myself or anything like that. I don't plan on not eating. Sometimes it just happens. I just try to write down everything I eat on a given day. I don't seperate it by meals or anything. So if I eat the same thing for lunch and dinner it will only be listed once. I know I'm rambling now.
I've been doing some digging on the internet today (in between blowing my nose and dosing myself with medicine). And now I have more of an idea of what I need to be eating. I grew up with Southern (Deep South, USA) cooking as a standard, which isn't the healthiest diet out there. So I'm branching out on my own here, trying to eat healthy and lose weight. And if what I'm doing is working, I'll try my best to get my dad to cook the way that I do. While both of my parents are at a healthy weight (my dad still does his exercises every morning and has the body of a man 20 years younger) neither my sister or I am. I know that I am morbidly obese (BMI = 42), and I am certain that my younger sister is obese type 2. She lost 20 lbs recently, but that was from illness, which is not the way you should lose weight.
During my adventures on the internet today, I happened across Wikipedia, as I usually do. After following a few articles around, I calculated my Basal Metabolic Rate (BMR) and determined it to be 1816. That is the amount of calories I need to maintain my weight, if I were completely inactive. The safest diet restriction is 75% of your BMR, in my case that is 1362. So I will be eating at least 1362 calories a day.
I got a scale over the weekend, and was confronted with the sad and slightly shocking fact that I weigh 276 lbs - 11 more than I thought. I knew I'd been yo-yoing from 255-275 in the past year, but I'd thought I was in the middle at this point, instead of on the high end. I'm approaching my heighest weight ever, a fact that scares the living daylights out of me. So having the scale there to motivate me is really going to work.
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