The Past and The Future

I have always been heavy. When I was a little kid, I was cute and chubby, but not too badly overweight. However, by the time I was 11 years old, I weighed 160 lbs. I began to avoid sports like the plague because I didn’t want anyone else to see me struggle to play. Starting then, I began to yo-yo diet, starting with the Protein Power diet. I can remember a seriously low point during that diet. I started crying uncontrollably and hid away in my room, all because I wouldn’t let myself eat the sandwich I wanted. That diet made me lose my mind. After that, I routinely lost small amounts of weight only to go off the various fad diets and gain it all back, plus more. At 17, I’d packed 280 lbs on a 5’8 frame. Over the next 2 years (up to now) I managed to get down to 252, only to shoot up to my all time high of 296.5lbs. Approaching the 300 lb mark scares me. Looking back now, it’s obvious that I’ve been struggling with an eating disorder. I’ve had episodes of periodic binging, and alternatively episodes of anorexia where I exercised away every single calorie that passed my lips. Thankfully purging has never really come into the equation, but it’s been awfully close.

My own negativity and utter lack of self-confidence are two of my biggest obstacles. “It’s too hot. It’s too early. I’ll look stupid. I can’t walk that far. I won’t stick with it this time either. Why bother, it’s not like anyone else cares. I’m tired. Everyone will stare at me.” I'm fighting back against all of that. I can do this. People who care about me also care about my health. And if other people stare, so what? I need to lessen my paranoia anyway. Let them watch me lose weight, I don't care about them anymore. I won't let my fears control my weight any more. I can do this, and I'm ready to start.

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