I...? You...? What?

Sorry for not posting recently. I've been relatively depressed, although not at my lowest point. Near it though. I haven't been following any diet plan or keeping track of my meals, and I'm afraid of what the scale will say when I finally get the courage to step back onto it again.


My mother brought up the possibility of my having bariatric surgery- Lap-band, to be specific. But... I don't know. I'll admit that I have thought about it before, and our health insurance covers the procedure. Yet it somehow feels like cheating. I've been overweight and obese for what seems like my entire life, and I've been dieting since I was 11. I associate food with rewards, with comfort, with safety and acceptance. A doughnut isn't going to reject me, even if I say/do something wrong, look bad, etc. And food is one of coping methods, which I know is fairly common. So much so that I'm addicted to it. I have to be, to hate myself as I continue to stuff my mouth full, unable to stop 'til the box is empty, the crumbs gone. And I hate myself when I do that, I really do. But apparently compulsive overeating is better than my other coping mechanism, which is self-injury. Other than these self-destructive habits, I don't deal with stress. And I have a lot of stress. Just leaving my apartment stresses me out. I have an unofficial diagnosis of depression, Social Anxiety Disorder, and very mild agoraphobia, in addition to Gender Identity Disorder and Gender Dysphoria. I haven't talked about these things before because I wanted this blog to focus on weight loss, not my personal life. But it seems like I cannot separate them from one another.

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Now playing: Le Tigre - I'm So Excited
via FoxyTunes

Sorry about the lack of post lately. It's been really stressful for me. Suffice it to say that there were cash flow problems and that, for a little while at least, it looked like I would have to withdraw from school due to lack of funds. But that's all been settled now, and yes, I am still attending college. (My major is anthropology, with a history minor, if you were interested.)

I weighed in this morning at 282.5 lbs, a loss of 6 lbs total in almost 2 weeks. And that was with my being stressed out and not eating as well as I should. And also little to no exercise. But I've started walking home from class 3 days a week, and it's about a 30 minute walk each time. I'm also TRYING to play Dance Dance Revolution on the days that I don't walk, but something is wrong with my disc, and it looks like I need a new one. So, in lieu of DDR, I've decided to actually use the total gym that I have. The thing is at least 5 years old, barely used, and that's a bit sad. So I'm doing my best to rectify that. I have class in 10 minutes, so I'll have to cut this blog short.


Thanks for your suport!

100 Reasons (Unfinished)

Below are 100 reasons that I want to lose weight.

Some are healthy, some are whimsical, and some are impractical, but they are my reasons and I'm sticking to them.

1. To end, or at least lessen, my headaches and depression.
2. To be able to wear the clothes I've always wanted to.
3. To be comfortable in my own skin.
4. To run a mile in less than 10 minutes. (I know that's a very large amount of time, but, as of 5 years ago, I 'ran' a mile in 16 minutes or so.)
5. To bike all the way to the store without having to rest halfway through.
6. To feel confident enough to date.
7. To regulate my blood pressure and cholesterol within healthy limits.
8. To be unashamed when I visit a doctor.
9. To stop getting a stitch in my side when I do anything related to running, walking, or jogging.
10. To hike the entire Appalacian Trail.
11. To go out clubbing and not care who's watching me dance.
12. To lose the dangerous belly fat.
13. To have well-defined muscles.
14. To not get odd looks when I say that I like to bike and kayak.
15. To go swimming without being body shy.
16. To feel comfortable enough to walk into a gym.
17. To feel okay when someone takes my picture.
18. To feel confident like I did when I was a little kid.
19. To act and sing - in front of other people!
20. To push the plate away while it still has food on it.
21. To not feel hungry all the time.
22. To be at a healthy weight for the first time in more than 10 years.
23. To inspire my younger sister to be healthier.
24. To go shirtless without shame.
25. To not feel obligated to clean my plate, then someone else's as well, just because I'm the fat guy and I'll eat anything.
26. To play 5 expert songs on DDR consecutively.
27. To help my joints, which seem like they're 20 years older than the rest of my body.
28. Improved posture.
29. To stop getting sick all of the time.
30. To look good in my favorite jacket.
31. To feel comfortable naked.
32. To go white water rafting.
33. To wear tight clothing and look good in it.
34. To stop my parents from worrying about my health.
35. To ease the start of my medical transition.
36. To be happier.
37. More energy.
38. I hate my double chin.
39. Come to think of it, I hate my stomach as well.
40. And my thighs.
41. To lift my own weight.
42. To comfortably fit onto amusement park rides, airplane seats, and auditorum seating.
43. To fit into clothes without an X in them.
44. To climb the rock wall at my university.
45. To shock the friends I only see once a year.
46. To live into old age.
47. To be able to zip my boots all the way up.
48. To not feel like a cliche.
49. To get the tattoos I want without feeling self conscious.
50. To lose the flab under my arms.
51. To play around with my parents' dogs, because they need the companionship and I need the exercise.
52. To not be obese.
53. For Michael.
54. To look good in leather.
55. I want to help my father remodel the house.
56. 
    

Somehow I'm down to 281.6. Haven't cut soda out of my diet as much as I'd like to, because my aunt bought me a case of my favorite soda.

Sorry about the lack of posts, but I haven't been keeping track of my food intake and so I have no idea how I managed to lose weight, especially over the Thanksgiving celebrations. But no matter. I have started making more things from scratch, so that likely has something to do with it. Also the stress of finals is upon us, so that'll burn quite a few calories I'm sure.

Haven't had a binging episode recently, although in response to the comments on my previous entry, I do know most of my triggers, which I might as well list here.

Binging triggers:

1. Stress/ anxiety
2. Salt
3. School
4. Family
5. ...

Well, I'd though that there were more, but that seems to be all that I can think of at the moment.


And so we are now at an impasse. I do want to tell you all more about myself, but I am reluctant to do so, because sad as it is, I don't want to lose the few readers that I have. Ah well, I have other blogs for that.

My scale keeps saying 285.

Since it's never lied to me before, I guess I'll just have to accept the fact that I weigh 285 lbs now. I don't really want to acknowledge it, but ignoring it will only hurt me in the end.

I can believe that I weigh 285. My frame was not built to carry quite so much weight and lately the joints in my legs have been aching whenever I walk for more than 5 minutes at a time. I feel like an old man. I'm 19 for chrissakes! Supposedly in the prime of life (at least that's what my uncle tells me) and my father could easily put me to shame. The man doesn't watch his diet, eats whatever he likes, but he never goes overboard like I do, and he's active. I don't know why I don't have his drive for fitness, unless it's the fact that he did a stint in the Marines and I haven't - and never will. I got my voice and my artistic talent from him, but no love of fitness. The only sports I like are tennis (too unfit), kayaking (too cold now), swimming (too cold again, and I won't swim in front of other people), and hiking.... I can't come up with any excuses for not hiking. So perhaps I should start doing that every weekend instead of sitting on my bum in front of my laptop or TV. I think I will, there are a few places nearby that I can hike at.

I also need to start watching my diet again. I'll do well for a day or so, then BAM!!! Off the rails and eating myself sick, which I always ALWAYS regret. I'm going to stop drinking so much soda, and try to eat more vegetables and fruit.

On the exercise front, my TotalGym is buried underneath some boxes of winter clothing that I hauled out of storage and haven't put away yet. I should remedy that...

Day 38

Terribly sorry about the lack of posts. My internet explorer was maimed by a virus which is still attempting to take over my computer. Also I was dealing with depression and three major assignments for college due at the same time. But I've finished the assignments, and conquered the worst of the depression. I gave up on IE and have reverted back to my favourite browser, Firefox.


I've recently been getting pains that resemble runner's stitch, but these happen when I'm not even active. They worry me a little and remind me of how unhealthy I am. Also in the past two weeks I've fallen down in front of more than a dozen people do to my very weak right ankle. I just step wrong and BOOM, down I go onto my hands. At least the last time I was on dirt instead of asphalt. That time hurt much worse, although my pride hurts the most of all. I embarrass easily.

Day 32

Forgot to weigh in this morning.

Food:
Poptarts: 400 kcal / 4 g protein
Beef Jerky: 160 kcal / 24 g protein
Soda: 200 kcal / 0 g protein
Ramen: 400 kcal / 3 g protein
Chili & Cornbread: 800 kcal / 28 g protein

TOTAL: 1960 kcal / 59 g protein


Currently dealing with cravings in a bad way, which has inspired me to stop eating so much processed food. So once I eat what's left in my pantry/refrigerator, that's it. No more processed foods. I need to learn how to cook real vegetables anyway. I also need to learn how to cook for one....because I am not that good at it. I've been looking for either a casserole, one-dish, or cooking for one cookbook, but I haven't found one I like yet.

Day 31

Oh look, it's..... Tuesday afternoon. And I thought I'd be posting Sunday night. I would have, but my internet connection was iffy until today.

I think I ate fairly well while I was away. I didn't monitor quantities of things, but neither did I eat out in restaurants. I brought my own semi-healthy food to eat.

Day 25

1 lb loss!

I'm headed to Atlanta GA for the weekend, starting at 4:30 AM tomorrow morning. I plan on monitoring what I eat, but not freaking out if I want to indulge in something wonderfully unhealthy. I won't be back until Sunday evening, so the next post will be then.


Food:
Nilla Wafers: 280 kcal / 2 g protein
Meat sandwich: 150 kcal / 8 g protein
Crisps - Bruschetta flavoured! : 450 kcal /3 g protein (This odd flavour of crisps reminded me of my trips to the UK. Not that I had Bruschetta Crisps there. But I did have [and love!] prawn crisps. And Aero bars. Neither of which I've been able to find back in the US.)

Sabotage

I was going to respond to sayre in the comments, but decided it'd make a better blog. So here we go.

I'm in college and not doing as well as I should. I have some psychological issues that I am working on, alongside the physical. My mother and I don't see eye to eye on my performance in college, and well....we just argue a lot about it. Because although I do have the capability to be a straight A student, I lack the motivation and drive to do so. So we argue.
As for why I reach for food as a coping mechanism: simple habit. Also, it beats conventional self-harming, although if I'd continued to eat the way I used to I'd eventually end up harming myself much more than I do when I self-harm in other ways. I know that people don't think of self-harm as normal, so I'm trying to stop that as well.
I really only wanted this blog to be about my weight loss, but it seems that I'll have to drag at least some of my psychological issues onto it as well.




(Sorry for not blogging over the weekend. I visited my family and had limited internet access. And I didn't do a very good job of eating healthily. We'll see how much damage I did in the morning, when I weigh myself. I expect despair, desperation, and determination. Stay tuned.)

Sweet Treats

My mother likes to send me home with food. Only it isn't homecooking (Mom doesn't cook much, dad's the chef). This weekend I came home with an assortment of Cheetos and Doritos, plus a candy bar. This is on top of a multi-pack of cookies (Nutter Butters, Oreos, and Chips Ahoy!) that my Aunt Bobbie sent home with me last weekend. Neither of them know that I'm trying to lose weight, so I can't say that they're trying to sabotauge me. And they aren't, either. I haven't even wanted any of the cookies. I've glanced at them, thought about it, then gotten something else. I haven't been wanting terribly sweet things.

That being said, I broke out the candy bar from it's hiding place (the fridge). I had one bite, then another. I savoured it. And then? I wrapped it up and put it back, because I was satisfied. I didn't want anymore. A mere 3 weeks ago I would've scarfed it down in less than a minute, then chased it with something else. Mindlessly eating. So that's an accomplishment that I hadn't even thought of yet.

Updates

I'm sick. I've had a head cold since Friday. I've also been out of town visting relatives all weekend. I'll blog about how love = food later.

About eating less than 1000 kcal - I'm not starving myself or anything like that. I don't plan on not eating. Sometimes it just happens. I just try to write down everything I eat on a given day. I don't seperate it by meals or anything. So if I eat the same thing for lunch and dinner it will only be listed once. I know I'm rambling now.


I've been doing some digging on the internet today (in between blowing my nose and dosing myself with medicine). And now I have more of an idea of what I need to be eating. I grew up with Southern (Deep South, USA) cooking as a standard, which isn't the healthiest diet out there. So I'm branching out on my own here, trying to eat healthy and lose weight. And if what I'm doing is working, I'll try my best to get my dad to cook the way that I do. While both of my parents are at a healthy weight (my dad still does his exercises every morning and has the body of a man 20 years younger) neither my sister or I am. I know that I am morbidly obese (BMI = 42), and I am certain that my younger sister is obese type 2. She lost 20 lbs recently, but that was from illness, which is not the way you should lose weight.


During my adventures on the internet today, I happened across Wikipedia, as I usually do. After following a few articles around, I calculated my Basal Metabolic Rate (BMR) and determined it to be 1816. That is the amount of calories I need to maintain my weight, if I were completely inactive. The safest diet restriction is 75% of your BMR, in my case that is 1362. So I will be eating at least 1362 calories a day.


I got a scale over the weekend, and was confronted with the sad and slightly shocking fact that I weigh 276 lbs - 11 more than I thought. I knew I'd been yo-yoing from 255-275 in the past year, but I'd thought I was in the middle at this point, instead of on the high end. I'm approaching my heighest weight ever, a fact that scares the living daylights out of me. So having the scale there to motivate me is really going to work.

Obligatory Introductory Post

Me llamo Alexander.

I'm not really hispanic, at least not enough to count. I just like the phrasology of that sentance - I call myself Alexander. It means something. Something which has nothing to do with what this blog's about, so let's wander away from that, shall we?

This blog is going to be about a section of my weight-loss journey. It's one I've been on for 8 years or more, and I want to come to the end of it relatively soon. I am 5'8. I weigh approximately 265 lbs. (I'm buying a scale tomorrow.) I'm going to update my stats on a weekly to bi-weekly basis, so I can keep up my motivation. This blog will log everything I eat, every exercise I do, how I feel. In short, everything about my weight loss.

I started this up again at the prodding of a friend, and I'm glad of it. Maybe this time I'll stick with it.