Standing Up

I'm sorry for the long absence. I hit a rough spot and everything sort of went downhill from there. But, hey, if you fall down seven times, stand up eight. So that's where we are now. I'm about to weigh myself for the first time in over a month. I've been avoiding the scale because I'm afraid of it. But I am going to do this, I deserve to know so that I can face up to the fact that yes, my weight really is a serious problem. So here we go...

Weight: 295 lbs.

I'm kind of in shock. I'm definitely disgusted. That's the most I've weighed, ever. When the numbers came up on the screen I didn't believe it. I hate the fact that I let myself fall this far. I need to lose more than 100 lbs now. I'm afraid that I can't do it. After all, I've been dieting since I was 11 and it's never lasted before. But I'm going to get out of that slump. I can't stand weighing this much and being this unhealthy. I can't even bike a quarter mile before my EIA (exercise induced asthma) starts acting up. That's shameful.

I got this idea from another blog. Unfortunately, I can't remember which.

I am afraid to be thin because…

1. I use food to avoid my feelings.

2. I’ve never been thin in my entire life.

3. I use my weight to avoid socializing.

4. Being fat is comfortable.

I've also started participating in the Rite Weight Plan, which is a free online program from Rite Aid.




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Now playing: Cake - Hem of Your Garment
via FoxyTunes

Week 2

279 lbs


Don't look for a food update this week, I haven't been tracking it.

Week 1

282.5 lbs.

It's something at least.




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Now playing: The White Stripes - The Denial Twist
via FoxyTunes

Sorry about the lack of post lately. It's been really stressful for me. Suffice it to say that there were cash flow problems and that, for a little while at least, it looked like I would have to withdraw from school due to lack of funds. But that's all been settled now, and yes, I am still attending college. (My major is anthropology, with a history minor, if you were interested.)

I weighed in this morning at 282.5 lbs, a loss of 6 lbs total in almost 2 weeks. And that was with my being stressed out and not eating as well as I should. And also little to no exercise. But I've started walking home from class 3 days a week, and it's about a 30 minute walk each time. I'm also TRYING to play Dance Dance Revolution on the days that I don't walk, but something is wrong with my disc, and it looks like I need a new one. So, in lieu of DDR, I've decided to actually use the total gym that I have. The thing is at least 5 years old, barely used, and that's a bit sad. So I'm doing my best to rectify that. I have class in 10 minutes, so I'll have to cut this blog short.


Thanks for your suport!

Back

...oops...

I didn't mean to abandon the blog for 3 weeks, it just sort of happened. I visited my parents for the holiday season, and have only just returned home late last night. The holiday damage was considerable, but not as bad as it could've been. Just goes to show me what happens when I eat with abandon and get no exercise what so ever.


Current weight: 288.5 lbs

I still plan on making it to 250 lbs or lower by March 18, and I know I can.


But gaining so much is not good for the depression. I'll drop it all though, and then some. Eventually I want to get down to 180 lbs. I don't care how long it takes.



I've decided to start keeping a food journal, in which I keep track of calories, protein, and fiber, but also my mood before and after eating, time, locations, and my hunger level. I think it will help me out.

276 Lbs, back to my original starting point.

Down to 280 lbs.

I'm finally in a stable relationship with someone, and therefor I am happy. When I am happy, I don't binge. When I don't binge, I can focus on a diet and lose weight.


One day soon I might actually post a recent picture on here. I just have to liberate my mother's camera.

100 Reasons (Unfinished)

Below are 100 reasons that I want to lose weight.

Some are healthy, some are whimsical, and some are impractical, but they are my reasons and I'm sticking to them.

1. To end, or at least lessen, my headaches and depression.
2. To be able to wear the clothes I've always wanted to.
3. To be comfortable in my own skin.
4. To run a mile in less than 10 minutes. (I know that's a very large amount of time, but, as of 5 years ago, I 'ran' a mile in 16 minutes or so.)
5. To bike all the way to the store without having to rest halfway through.
6. To feel confident enough to date.
7. To regulate my blood pressure and cholesterol within healthy limits.
8. To be unashamed when I visit a doctor.
9. To stop getting a stitch in my side when I do anything related to running, walking, or jogging.
10. To hike the entire Appalacian Trail.
11. To go out clubbing and not care who's watching me dance.
12. To lose the dangerous belly fat.
13. To have well-defined muscles.
14. To not get odd looks when I say that I like to bike and kayak.
15. To go swimming without being body shy.
16. To feel comfortable enough to walk into a gym.
17. To feel okay when someone takes my picture.
18. To feel confident like I did when I was a little kid.
19. To act and sing - in front of other people!
20. To push the plate away while it still has food on it.
21. To not feel hungry all the time.
22. To be at a healthy weight for the first time in more than 10 years.
23. To inspire my younger sister to be healthier.
24. To go shirtless without shame.
25. To not feel obligated to clean my plate, then someone else's as well, just because I'm the fat guy and I'll eat anything.
26. To play 5 expert songs on DDR consecutively.
27. To help my joints, which seem like they're 20 years older than the rest of my body.
28. Improved posture.
29. To stop getting sick all of the time.
30. To look good in my favorite jacket.
31. To feel comfortable naked.
32. To go white water rafting.
33. To wear tight clothing and look good in it.
34. To stop my parents from worrying about my health.
35. To ease the start of my medical transition.
36. To be happier.
37. More energy.
38. I hate my double chin.
39. Come to think of it, I hate my stomach as well.
40. And my thighs.
41. To lift my own weight.
42. To comfortably fit onto amusement park rides, airplane seats, and auditorum seating.
43. To fit into clothes without an X in them.
44. To climb the rock wall at my university.
45. To shock the friends I only see once a year.
46. To live into old age.
47. To be able to zip my boots all the way up.
48. To not feel like a cliche.
49. To get the tattoos I want without feeling self conscious.
50. To lose the flab under my arms.
51. To play around with my parents' dogs, because they need the companionship and I need the exercise.
52. To not be obese.
53. For Michael.
54. To look good in leather.
55. I want to help my father remodel the house.
56. 
    

Somehow I'm down to 281.6. Haven't cut soda out of my diet as much as I'd like to, because my aunt bought me a case of my favorite soda.

Sorry about the lack of posts, but I haven't been keeping track of my food intake and so I have no idea how I managed to lose weight, especially over the Thanksgiving celebrations. But no matter. I have started making more things from scratch, so that likely has something to do with it. Also the stress of finals is upon us, so that'll burn quite a few calories I'm sure.

Haven't had a binging episode recently, although in response to the comments on my previous entry, I do know most of my triggers, which I might as well list here.

Binging triggers:

1. Stress/ anxiety
2. Salt
3. School
4. Family
5. ...

Well, I'd though that there were more, but that seems to be all that I can think of at the moment.


And so we are now at an impasse. I do want to tell you all more about myself, but I am reluctant to do so, because sad as it is, I don't want to lose the few readers that I have. Ah well, I have other blogs for that.

My scale keeps saying 285.

Since it's never lied to me before, I guess I'll just have to accept the fact that I weigh 285 lbs now. I don't really want to acknowledge it, but ignoring it will only hurt me in the end.

I can believe that I weigh 285. My frame was not built to carry quite so much weight and lately the joints in my legs have been aching whenever I walk for more than 5 minutes at a time. I feel like an old man. I'm 19 for chrissakes! Supposedly in the prime of life (at least that's what my uncle tells me) and my father could easily put me to shame. The man doesn't watch his diet, eats whatever he likes, but he never goes overboard like I do, and he's active. I don't know why I don't have his drive for fitness, unless it's the fact that he did a stint in the Marines and I haven't - and never will. I got my voice and my artistic talent from him, but no love of fitness. The only sports I like are tennis (too unfit), kayaking (too cold now), swimming (too cold again, and I won't swim in front of other people), and hiking.... I can't come up with any excuses for not hiking. So perhaps I should start doing that every weekend instead of sitting on my bum in front of my laptop or TV. I think I will, there are a few places nearby that I can hike at.

I also need to start watching my diet again. I'll do well for a day or so, then BAM!!! Off the rails and eating myself sick, which I always ALWAYS regret. I'm going to stop drinking so much soda, and try to eat more vegetables and fruit.

On the exercise front, my TotalGym is buried underneath some boxes of winter clothing that I hauled out of storage and haven't put away yet. I should remedy that...

Day 25

1 lb loss!

I'm headed to Atlanta GA for the weekend, starting at 4:30 AM tomorrow morning. I plan on monitoring what I eat, but not freaking out if I want to indulge in something wonderfully unhealthy. I won't be back until Sunday evening, so the next post will be then.


Food:
Nilla Wafers: 280 kcal / 2 g protein
Meat sandwich: 150 kcal / 8 g protein
Crisps - Bruschetta flavoured! : 450 kcal /3 g protein (This odd flavour of crisps reminded me of my trips to the UK. Not that I had Bruschetta Crisps there. But I did have [and love!] prawn crisps. And Aero bars. Neither of which I've been able to find back in the US.)

Day 24

Weighed in at 269.5!

Food:
Cashews: 510 kcal / 15 g protien
Nilla Wafers: 700 kcal / 5 g protein
Chicken: 220 kcal / 40 g protein
Brown Rice: 140 kcal / 4 g protein
Cabbage: 100 kcal / 2 g protein

TOTAL: 1670 kcal / 66 g protein



On another note, I've been knighted! I'm now a member of the Knights of the Round Bottoms, a group of bloggers who are all getting healthy. I'm Sir Fluffy, and I will be changing my posting name to reflect that.

Day 23

Lost 0.3 lbs. Currently weighing in at 271, meaning that I have lost 5 lbs overall. I've actually lost 7 lbs since this started, since I stumbled a bit and regained.

Food:
Crackers: 150 kcal / 2 g protein
Cashews: 170 kcal / 5 g protein
Nilla Wafers: 140 kcal / 1 g protein
Chicken, brown rice, and garden peas: 800 kcal / 28 g protein
Cottage Cheese: 120 kcal / 12 g protein

TOTAL: 1380 kcal / 48 g protein


Must EAT BREAKFAST! Even if not hungry, take something for later.

Day 22

Lost 0.6 lbs - the scale said 271, 270, 272.5, 271.5, 271, 270. It was very confused.

Food:
Poptarts: 400 kcal / 4 g protein
Ramen with egg: 450 kcal / 8 g protein

Oops. Was overcome by food rebellion led by the carbs. I think it's because the cupboards are looking a bit bare. Minor inconsequential casualties. Est.: 1000 kcal / 15 g protein

TOTAL: 1850 kcal / 27 g protein

Day 20 & 21

Lost 1.1 lbs - 9.7 lbs to go until 1st mini goal!

Kinda was too depressed and tired to blog yesterday, although I did keep up with my calories. I've been sleeping too much, and on Friday I slept through the one class I can't miss any more days in. On top of that, I missed the first test in that class, with no way to make it up. Go me.

Day 20:
Food total: 1650 kcal / 38 g protein

Day 21:
Food:

Poptarts: 400 kcal / 4 g protein
Ramen: 380 kcal / 10 g protein
Lemon Cake: 300 kcal / 3 g protein
Crackers: 450 kcal / 5 g protein
Tuna Salad: 350 kcal / 12 g protein
Biscuits: 300 kcal / 6 g protein

TOTAL: 2180 kcal / 40 g protein

Day 19

When I stepped on the scale this morning, it said 270.0.

I blinked, rubbed my eyes, and looked again.

Yep, still 270.0.

So, like always, I stepped off, let it reset itself, and weighed myself again.

273.0. That made more sense, but I weighed myself one more time just to be sure.

273.0.

I'll take that.


1 lb. loss



Food:

Cake: 1620 kcal / 12 g protein
Crackers: 300 kcal / 4 g protein
Penne with Chicken: 330 kcal / 16 g protein
Chicken Primavera: 260 kcal / 13 g protein

TOTAL: 2510 kcal / 45 g protein

Day 18

1 lb. gain

Food:
Pepper Steak & Rice: 270 kcal / 11 g protein
Poptarts: 400 kcal / 4 g protein
Milk: 150 kcal / 12 g protein
Manicotti: 250 kcal / 8 g protein
Cake: 1620 kcal / 12 g protein

TOTAL: 2690 kcal / 47 g protein

Day 13

Gained 1 lb. Not too bad for a caloric intake more than double my usual yesterday.

Day 11

I've lost another 1.8 lbs in a day. I know that most of it is from water weight loss, and that the bigger you are, the faster you lose; but it is still encouraging.


Food:
Oatmeal Pancakes: 423 kcal / 12 g protein
Chicken Primavera: 250 kcal / 13 g protein
Cheetos Crunchy: 160 kcal / 2 g protein
Garlic & Ginger Chicken: 155 kcal / 27 g protein
Brown Rice w/ Peas & Carmelized Onions: 219 kcal / ???g protein
Reese Candy Bar: 87 kcal / 1.6 g protein
Apple: 82 kcal / 0 g protein
Bologna Sandwich: 120 kcal / 5.5 g protein
Cottage Cheese: 120 kcal / 14 g protein

TOTAL: 1516 kcal / 74.1 g protein

Day 10

I lost 1.2 lbs in a day.

This is both good and bad. Good because I lost weight! and bad because it's most likely due to my being sick. Nothing tastes good and I don't want to eat anything (except for cough drops). But hey, it's still weight loss, and it puts me 1.2 lbs closer to my goal of 199 lbs. I also found a weight loss tracker, which will stay at the top of my blog.

I'll also start keeping track of what I'm eating here, since I'm back on the computer.


The more research I do, the more it seems that I need to increase my protein intake. Which means I'm going to start monitoring and listing that as well.

Food:
Leftovers scramble: 273 kcal / ??? g protein
Cashews: 170 kcal / 5 g protein
Cottage Cheese: 180 kcal / 21 g protein (I've never had this before, and I like it a lot)
Oatmeal pancakes with banana syrup: 553 kcal / 13.5 g protein
Milk: 150 kcal / 8 g protein


TOTAL: 1326 kcal /46.5 g (+???g) protein