The Past and The Future

I have always been heavy. When I was a little kid, I was cute and chubby, but not too badly overweight. However, by the time I was 11 years old, I weighed 160 lbs. I began to avoid sports like the plague because I didn’t want anyone else to see me struggle to play. Starting then, I began to yo-yo diet, starting with the Protein Power diet. I can remember a seriously low point during that diet. I started crying uncontrollably and hid away in my room, all because I wouldn’t let myself eat the sandwich I wanted. That diet made me lose my mind. After that, I routinely lost small amounts of weight only to go off the various fad diets and gain it all back, plus more. At 17, I’d packed 280 lbs on a 5’8 frame. Over the next 2 years (up to now) I managed to get down to 252, only to shoot up to my all time high of 296.5lbs. Approaching the 300 lb mark scares me. Looking back now, it’s obvious that I’ve been struggling with an eating disorder. I’ve had episodes of periodic binging, and alternatively episodes of anorexia where I exercised away every single calorie that passed my lips. Thankfully purging has never really come into the equation, but it’s been awfully close.

My own negativity and utter lack of self-confidence are two of my biggest obstacles. “It’s too hot. It’s too early. I’ll look stupid. I can’t walk that far. I won’t stick with it this time either. Why bother, it’s not like anyone else cares. I’m tired. Everyone will stare at me.” I'm fighting back against all of that. I can do this. People who care about me also care about my health. And if other people stare, so what? I need to lessen my paranoia anyway. Let them watch me lose weight, I don't care about them anymore. I won't let my fears control my weight any more. I can do this, and I'm ready to start.

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Now playing: The Killers - All These Things That I've Done
via FoxyTunes

New goal:

I want to lose 30 lbs by March 18th. That's only ten lbs a month, so I should just be able to do it.

I like having a date associated with a goal. I think it will keep me on track, instead of "I want to lose X lbs with no date in mind."

100 Reasons (Unfinished)

Below are 100 reasons that I want to lose weight.

Some are healthy, some are whimsical, and some are impractical, but they are my reasons and I'm sticking to them.

1. To end, or at least lessen, my headaches and depression.
2. To be able to wear the clothes I've always wanted to.
3. To be comfortable in my own skin.
4. To run a mile in less than 10 minutes. (I know that's a very large amount of time, but, as of 5 years ago, I 'ran' a mile in 16 minutes or so.)
5. To bike all the way to the store without having to rest halfway through.
6. To feel confident enough to date.
7. To regulate my blood pressure and cholesterol within healthy limits.
8. To be unashamed when I visit a doctor.
9. To stop getting a stitch in my side when I do anything related to running, walking, or jogging.
10. To hike the entire Appalacian Trail.
11. To go out clubbing and not care who's watching me dance.
12. To lose the dangerous belly fat.
13. To have well-defined muscles.
14. To not get odd looks when I say that I like to bike and kayak.
15. To go swimming without being body shy.
16. To feel comfortable enough to walk into a gym.
17. To feel okay when someone takes my picture.
18. To feel confident like I did when I was a little kid.
19. To act and sing - in front of other people!
20. To push the plate away while it still has food on it.
21. To not feel hungry all the time.
22. To be at a healthy weight for the first time in more than 10 years.
23. To inspire my younger sister to be healthier.
24. To go shirtless without shame.
25. To not feel obligated to clean my plate, then someone else's as well, just because I'm the fat guy and I'll eat anything.
26. To play 5 expert songs on DDR consecutively.
27. To help my joints, which seem like they're 20 years older than the rest of my body.
28. Improved posture.
29. To stop getting sick all of the time.
30. To look good in my favorite jacket.
31. To feel comfortable naked.
32. To go white water rafting.
33. To wear tight clothing and look good in it.
34. To stop my parents from worrying about my health.
35. To ease the start of my medical transition.
36. To be happier.
37. More energy.
38. I hate my double chin.
39. Come to think of it, I hate my stomach as well.
40. And my thighs.
41. To lift my own weight.
42. To comfortably fit onto amusement park rides, airplane seats, and auditorum seating.
43. To fit into clothes without an X in them.
44. To climb the rock wall at my university.
45. To shock the friends I only see once a year.
46. To live into old age.
47. To be able to zip my boots all the way up.
48. To not feel like a cliche.
49. To get the tattoos I want without feeling self conscious.
50. To lose the flab under my arms.
51. To play around with my parents' dogs, because they need the companionship and I need the exercise.
52. To not be obese.
53. For Michael.
54. To look good in leather.
55. I want to help my father remodel the house.
56. 
    

My scale keeps saying 285.

Since it's never lied to me before, I guess I'll just have to accept the fact that I weigh 285 lbs now. I don't really want to acknowledge it, but ignoring it will only hurt me in the end.

I can believe that I weigh 285. My frame was not built to carry quite so much weight and lately the joints in my legs have been aching whenever I walk for more than 5 minutes at a time. I feel like an old man. I'm 19 for chrissakes! Supposedly in the prime of life (at least that's what my uncle tells me) and my father could easily put me to shame. The man doesn't watch his diet, eats whatever he likes, but he never goes overboard like I do, and he's active. I don't know why I don't have his drive for fitness, unless it's the fact that he did a stint in the Marines and I haven't - and never will. I got my voice and my artistic talent from him, but no love of fitness. The only sports I like are tennis (too unfit), kayaking (too cold now), swimming (too cold again, and I won't swim in front of other people), and hiking.... I can't come up with any excuses for not hiking. So perhaps I should start doing that every weekend instead of sitting on my bum in front of my laptop or TV. I think I will, there are a few places nearby that I can hike at.

I also need to start watching my diet again. I'll do well for a day or so, then BAM!!! Off the rails and eating myself sick, which I always ALWAYS regret. I'm going to stop drinking so much soda, and try to eat more vegetables and fruit.

On the exercise front, my TotalGym is buried underneath some boxes of winter clothing that I hauled out of storage and haven't put away yet. I should remedy that...

Restart in 5...4...3...2..

Well if we're going to restart this, we might as well do it up right. That means no more holding back on my part. I'm going to put all of myself out there, not hide anything from you few people who read my blog. And if it turns you away then so be it. This isn't a popularity contest, it's about me being happy and healthy for the first time since I was six. So you'll learn some dearly held secrets and maybe I'll be able to hold myself more accountable if I 'fess up about the driving factor behind my current attempts at weight loss.

Day 10

I lost 1.2 lbs in a day.

This is both good and bad. Good because I lost weight! and bad because it's most likely due to my being sick. Nothing tastes good and I don't want to eat anything (except for cough drops). But hey, it's still weight loss, and it puts me 1.2 lbs closer to my goal of 199 lbs. I also found a weight loss tracker, which will stay at the top of my blog.

I'll also start keeping track of what I'm eating here, since I'm back on the computer.


The more research I do, the more it seems that I need to increase my protein intake. Which means I'm going to start monitoring and listing that as well.

Food:
Leftovers scramble: 273 kcal / ??? g protein
Cashews: 170 kcal / 5 g protein
Cottage Cheese: 180 kcal / 21 g protein (I've never had this before, and I like it a lot)
Oatmeal pancakes with banana syrup: 553 kcal / 13.5 g protein
Milk: 150 kcal / 8 g protein


TOTAL: 1326 kcal /46.5 g (+???g) protein

The Unsuited Suit

So, my new suit arrived in the post today. It doesn't quite fit - I need to lose about 3 inches in the waist, and 2 in the stomach. But I think I can do that in under a month, particularly if I start focussing on my waist when I exercise.