The Past and The Future

I have always been heavy. When I was a little kid, I was cute and chubby, but not too badly overweight. However, by the time I was 11 years old, I weighed 160 lbs. I began to avoid sports like the plague because I didn’t want anyone else to see me struggle to play. Starting then, I began to yo-yo diet, starting with the Protein Power diet. I can remember a seriously low point during that diet. I started crying uncontrollably and hid away in my room, all because I wouldn’t let myself eat the sandwich I wanted. That diet made me lose my mind. After that, I routinely lost small amounts of weight only to go off the various fad diets and gain it all back, plus more. At 17, I’d packed 280 lbs on a 5’8 frame. Over the next 2 years (up to now) I managed to get down to 252, only to shoot up to my all time high of 296.5lbs. Approaching the 300 lb mark scares me. Looking back now, it’s obvious that I’ve been struggling with an eating disorder. I’ve had episodes of periodic binging, and alternatively episodes of anorexia where I exercised away every single calorie that passed my lips. Thankfully purging has never really come into the equation, but it’s been awfully close.

My own negativity and utter lack of self-confidence are two of my biggest obstacles. “It’s too hot. It’s too early. I’ll look stupid. I can’t walk that far. I won’t stick with it this time either. Why bother, it’s not like anyone else cares. I’m tired. Everyone will stare at me.” I'm fighting back against all of that. I can do this. People who care about me also care about my health. And if other people stare, so what? I need to lessen my paranoia anyway. Let them watch me lose weight, I don't care about them anymore. I won't let my fears control my weight any more. I can do this, and I'm ready to start.

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Now playing: The Killers - All These Things That I've Done
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The Rite Weight Plan

Correction: I'm following a modified version of the Rite Weight Plan. The original is on the edge of a Very Low Calorie - averaging less than 950 calories per day. Not a good idea for me to cut back so low at this point in time, so I've made a few alterations.

The plan goes like this, with my additions in red:

Breakfast
1 Fruit or 1 Grain
1 Fruit
1 Protein
Non-caloric beverage

Morning Snack
1 Protein
1 Fruit or Vegetable

Lunch
1 Protein
1 Fruit
1 Vegetable
2 cups lettuce
1 Extra
Non-caloric beverage

Afternoon Snack
1 Protein
1 Fruit or Vegetable

Dinner
1 Protein
1 Fruit
1 Vegetable
1 Vegetable
2 cups lettuce
1 Extra
Non-caloric beverage

Evening Snack
1 Protein


Extras are condiments, coffee creamer, etc.

My additions add on another 200 calories or so per day.

The plan also encourages 30 minutes of exercise per day.





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Now playing: Regina Spektor - Samson
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Standing Up

I'm sorry for the long absence. I hit a rough spot and everything sort of went downhill from there. But, hey, if you fall down seven times, stand up eight. So that's where we are now. I'm about to weigh myself for the first time in over a month. I've been avoiding the scale because I'm afraid of it. But I am going to do this, I deserve to know so that I can face up to the fact that yes, my weight really is a serious problem. So here we go...

Weight: 295 lbs.

I'm kind of in shock. I'm definitely disgusted. That's the most I've weighed, ever. When the numbers came up on the screen I didn't believe it. I hate the fact that I let myself fall this far. I need to lose more than 100 lbs now. I'm afraid that I can't do it. After all, I've been dieting since I was 11 and it's never lasted before. But I'm going to get out of that slump. I can't stand weighing this much and being this unhealthy. I can't even bike a quarter mile before my EIA (exercise induced asthma) starts acting up. That's shameful.

I got this idea from another blog. Unfortunately, I can't remember which.

I am afraid to be thin because…

1. I use food to avoid my feelings.

2. I’ve never been thin in my entire life.

3. I use my weight to avoid socializing.

4. Being fat is comfortable.

I've also started participating in the Rite Weight Plan, which is a free online program from Rite Aid.




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Now playing: Cake - Hem of Your Garment
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Week 2

279 lbs


Don't look for a food update this week, I haven't been tracking it.

Week 1

282.5 lbs.

It's something at least.




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Now playing: The White Stripes - The Denial Twist
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Week 1 Totals

This covers Wednesday through Friday, although all other weekly totals will cover Saturday through Friday. I've also decided to do weigh ins on Mondays, so that means I'll be posting at least twice a week from now on.


Weekly Totals:

Calories consumed: 5660 (an average of 1887 daily, which incidentally included a binge on Wednesday.)

Protein consumed: 125 (an average of 42 daily. That's okay, although I'd like to try to get it up to 50g a day.)

Minutes exercised: 10. (Yeah, that's bad. Well, now I know what I have to work on the most.)

Minutes walked: 15. (See above.)



As an excuse, I've been sick and haven't felt like exercising. Or walking. Or moving, really.

Also, I've decided to track my fiber intake, so that will appear here as well next week.




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Now playing: Emilie Autumn - Juliet
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Resolve - I has it

I think I may have managed to shock myself into action again.

Based on a number of things, I think that I am pre-diabetic. I'm not even 20 yet. It scares the shit out of me. So, once again...

1. I am going to kick the majority of processed foods, focusing on high fructose corn syrup and monosodium glutamate.
   
2. I will eat at least 3 servings of fruit and vegetables a day.
3. I will exercise at least 30 minutes a day, every day, not counting walking.
4. I will walk for 30 minutes a day, at least 3 times a week.
5. I will keep track of my food intake and of my exercise by writing it down in a physical notebook.
6. I will post totals to this blog on a weekly basis: weight, total calories consumed, minutes exercised, and distance walked.

(For the curious - I am in therapy for my depression and anxiety. Thanks for the suggestions though!)

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Now playing: Cranberries - The Sweetest Thing
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I...? You...? What?

Sorry for not posting recently. I've been relatively depressed, although not at my lowest point. Near it though. I haven't been following any diet plan or keeping track of my meals, and I'm afraid of what the scale will say when I finally get the courage to step back onto it again.


My mother brought up the possibility of my having bariatric surgery- Lap-band, to be specific. But... I don't know. I'll admit that I have thought about it before, and our health insurance covers the procedure. Yet it somehow feels like cheating. I've been overweight and obese for what seems like my entire life, and I've been dieting since I was 11. I associate food with rewards, with comfort, with safety and acceptance. A doughnut isn't going to reject me, even if I say/do something wrong, look bad, etc. And food is one of coping methods, which I know is fairly common. So much so that I'm addicted to it. I have to be, to hate myself as I continue to stuff my mouth full, unable to stop 'til the box is empty, the crumbs gone. And I hate myself when I do that, I really do. But apparently compulsive overeating is better than my other coping mechanism, which is self-injury. Other than these self-destructive habits, I don't deal with stress. And I have a lot of stress. Just leaving my apartment stresses me out. I have an unofficial diagnosis of depression, Social Anxiety Disorder, and very mild agoraphobia, in addition to Gender Identity Disorder and Gender Dysphoria. I haven't talked about these things before because I wanted this blog to focus on weight loss, not my personal life. But it seems like I cannot separate them from one another.

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Now playing: Le Tigre - I'm So Excited
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Sorry about the lack of post lately. It's been really stressful for me. Suffice it to say that there were cash flow problems and that, for a little while at least, it looked like I would have to withdraw from school due to lack of funds. But that's all been settled now, and yes, I am still attending college. (My major is anthropology, with a history minor, if you were interested.)

I weighed in this morning at 282.5 lbs, a loss of 6 lbs total in almost 2 weeks. And that was with my being stressed out and not eating as well as I should. And also little to no exercise. But I've started walking home from class 3 days a week, and it's about a 30 minute walk each time. I'm also TRYING to play Dance Dance Revolution on the days that I don't walk, but something is wrong with my disc, and it looks like I need a new one. So, in lieu of DDR, I've decided to actually use the total gym that I have. The thing is at least 5 years old, barely used, and that's a bit sad. So I'm doing my best to rectify that. I have class in 10 minutes, so I'll have to cut this blog short.


Thanks for your suport!

Back

...oops...

I didn't mean to abandon the blog for 3 weeks, it just sort of happened. I visited my parents for the holiday season, and have only just returned home late last night. The holiday damage was considerable, but not as bad as it could've been. Just goes to show me what happens when I eat with abandon and get no exercise what so ever.


Current weight: 288.5 lbs

I still plan on making it to 250 lbs or lower by March 18, and I know I can.


But gaining so much is not good for the depression. I'll drop it all though, and then some. Eventually I want to get down to 180 lbs. I don't care how long it takes.



I've decided to start keeping a food journal, in which I keep track of calories, protein, and fiber, but also my mood before and after eating, time, locations, and my hunger level. I think it will help me out.